I spent most of my late teens and early 20s thinking that it was possible to have a lot of friends. I now think a bit differently. It’s possible to know a lot of people, especially if you’re a networker by nature or if you live in professional multi-cultural cities like Washington, DC and Brussels. But knowing a lot of people does not make them your friends. And having discernment about who accesses you is a key piece of wisdom I wish I knew 10 years ago. It is impossible to let a lot of people in to access you AND guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23) at the same time.

Looking to the most influential One in Scripture- Jesus- it’s easy for me to learn this lesson from the Master Himself. Jesus was careful about who accessed Him. He dealt with the 5,000, laid hands on and sent out the 70, taught the 12, but He let in the 3.

Can you deal with the 5,000, lay hands on the 70, teach the 12, but figure out who the 3 is?

You’re only one person and there’s only so much of yourself that you can give away. To open up and invest into someone’s life or have a person invest into your life takes time and energy. That’s why it hurts so much when a longtime friendship ends because of all the years of investment.

Have you ever been around a famous person and you go up to them and introduce yourself, and you receive a push back- some sort of wall, an imaginary barrier where they let you know in body language, their energy, their eyes and their words that “it’s nice to meet you but we’re not friends.” It has been said of Queen Elizabeth that, “she’s friendly but she’s not your friend” and you’ll quickly get the message.

For famous people, but also for the everyday person that’s not famous, as God blesses a person with more responsibility in life, the smaller their inner circle will get. As T.D. Jakes noted in a sermon, “you can’t go high and wide at the same time.” Jesus knew this too. He could only give so much of Himself away, and He went above and beyond for people because He had compassion and wanted to heal them. But He also knew when to escape for alone time with God (Luke 5:16, John 10:39, John 6:15). The smaller his friend groups got, the more He was able to off load onto and intimately enjoy those in His inner circle, those being siblings: Martha, Mary, and Lazarus; and, John the Beloved, James, and Peter.

When you don’t know how to control who has access to you it can leave one feeling exhausted, drained, and feeling let down by people because you’ve not correctly placed them in the 5,000, 70, 12, or 3 categories. Poor Michael Jackson died worth a lot of money, but he was so lost when it came to being careful about who accessed him. So many people misused and betrayed him because of his position, and that’s because he didn’t control who accessed him and by how much.

I don’t write all this to insinuate that you must go around being cliquish, or that you should put up walls. I write it to remind you that you can’t be everything to lots of people. You can only have a very small group of people in your “group of 3” at a time, and that’s really all you need. Pray for discernment about who should be in this “group of 3.” You really need the Holy Spirit guiding your relationships, both on your side and the other person’s side. Know how to deal with many people but as your friendship group barometer moves from acquaintances to friends to best friends, realize how to act accordingly in each group. Know your boundaries, limitations, and levels of openness. Just look to the Master as a perfect example when it comes to your level of access.

Happy Friday!