Be Wise in Choosing Him, Be Wise in Choosing Her

I recently visited a friend and her new baby. I’ve held quite a bit of newborn babies but it was something about holding this one at my 27-year-old age. As I looked into his tiny eyes I saw the innocence and the impressionable surrender that he’s looking to whoever is holding him to lead and care for him. My friend then said something to me that caught my attention. At her few months old son’s age, he already knows the voice of his father and reacts excitedly to it. The role of a man in his child’s life is crucial.

I wouldn’t be half the woman I am if it hadn’t of been for my parents- their love, their guidance, their discipline, their faith in God, and their kindness. Yes, it’s a lot of work to raise a child, but a real man will lead his family and raise the seeds he has planted. And, a real woman will lead her home and raise the seeds that have been planted inside of her.

For this post I want to look at signs and character traits, as well as areas where Christians should not settle on when dating or marrying. While the goal of dating in our 20s should be marriage, especially as we near our 30s, young women (and men) must keep in mind a few things when considering marriage. I want to share 5 points that were given by my pastor Nate Keeler, in the US and you will see on number 4 in red where I expanded on the point to add a few more thoughts.

1. If you are a Christian be resolved to ONLY date a Christian.  The objections I often hear are, "But he/she is really great in every other area" and "Maybe he/she will become a Christian."  Believe me, you are playing with fire.  You may not realize it yet, but you have completely different worldviews (assuming you base your worldview on Scripture).  Also, missionary dating is most often unsuccessful and God does not need you to help him out in that capacity.

1. If you are in a relationship with a non-Christian break it off now, not later.  It will only get more difficult.  I know this from personal experience.

1. Know where you stand on the most important issues of beliefs and values.  Don't be a wishy-washy Christian.  The more you know what you believe the clearer you will be able to identify a potential spouse that shares your beliefs and values.

1. Pay attention to his/her friendship/relationship track record.  Your past is the best indicator of your future UNLESS you are proactively making intentional course corrections.  So if you are dating or thinking about dating someone who has a lot of drama and broken relationships in their past/present be cautious unless you have very good reason to believe they are different now.

-Quite simply, we humans will go after what we want. If a guy likes you, you will know. If a girl likes you, you will know. Sure, it can be hard to read but if they avail themselves to you and are always around then that says a lot. If you’re in doubt and you like the person, just tell them how you feel to clear up any guessing.

-If he (or she) is dishonest in any way drop them. Period. Is his communication clear and truthful or shady? Does she omit things that should have been shared? Does he present things in their entirety? How can you build anything around lies, half truths, or mistrust?

-If a guy (or girl) is being hot and cold, especially in the early part of the relationship, I’d say they don’t really know what they want and maybe they’re realizing they don’t want to commit, so back off and give them some space for a bit. They need to learn to communicate and not give off mixed signals of interest. This sentence fits for my next point as well: God doesn’t want His children getting caught up with people that are hot and cold- that give breadcrumbs instead of a whole loaf of bread. So, don’t allow yourself to be an option for someone for too long. Let go and move on.

-How do they behave and act around their non-Christian friends- that'll tell you a lot about whether his or her heart is anchored in Christ. How do they treat their parents? Do they honor them? How do they talk to their family and those that know them intimately? For example, how a guy treats and views his mother, sister and women in his life is likely how he will treat his girlfriend/wife. And how a girl views and treats her father, brother and men in her life will shape the relationship she has with a guy.

-He/ She has got to be able to provide in some kind of way to pay the bills, as well as be pursing their God given destiny.

-If a guy or girl is being secretive in any way, they keep you at a distance, they’re putting up a wall, if you feel there is a disconnect, it’s hard for them to show affection (now some people don’t believe in hand holding or kissing till marriage), they don’t introduce you to their friends or family (after a long while), or they put you down then I’d say they have a problem- a problem that you won’t be able to fix. These behaviors really point back to them and don’t really have anything to do with you as a person. This person needs time and resources to sort through what causes them to act distant in relationships. Everyone is different but problems can range from them not knowing how to show affection and being comfortable with it because they didn’t grow up in a affectionate environment, immaturity, lack of dating experience, they have anger or closure issues they need to sort through, they are too occupied with their work to give of themselves in a relationship, they may not really be interested in a romantic relationship with you anymore, they might be battling homosexual urges, they might be going through depression, etc. You can’t fix the disconnect that they’re showing towards you only Jesus can help them with that, so it might be best for your heart to move on. We can’t change people they change for themselves.

-It's always nice to be friends first. Friends talk more- lovers not as much. As friends you can see if he or she has a kind heart, you will know a little about their dating history and how they treated past girls or guys, and you will see their habits and behaviors to know if it'll work for you.

5. Ask your friends (your real friends not those on Facebook) if they think you are ready to date and if the person you are dating is quality.  What are you afraid of?  If they have your best interests in mind and love you then don't be afraid of what they say.

In desiring marriage we need to ensure that we’re walking with the Lord in our singleness. And when we enter relationships we need to be walking with the Lord even more. And in marriage we need to be glued to the Lord. Being ready for marriage is not about a number (age), it’s about emotional, spiritual, and mental maturity. It doesn’t matter how awesome you are- you could have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, fed starving children in Africa, led 10,000 people to Christ in one night, won an Oscar- if guy or girl hasn’t matured yet your accolades won’t keep them around. Your accolades shouldn't be the determinate of what makes them want to be with you, but they just need some maturing to appreciate your awesomeness and your genuine heart ;) Through dating, prayer, and seeking wise counsel from friends on who we date, God will bring the right mate into our lives. Wait for God for His absolute best. And while waiting and praying, allow God to work on your character flaws so that you can be the best possible mate for the person that marries you!

Happy Friday xx!